He sees the painted parts and not the unpainted parts, because to him this is a lot of work. Make sure that the timing is convenient for both of you. So I choose to let it go and know he is limited by the ADHD and other disorders that are undiagnosed until he can be humble and let go of his pride, and that right there is bigger than any disorder one can have. (he can't) He pinches pennies, in trying to fix something that he's usually broken himself, but then it ends up costing us double or triple in do-overs. So many of the situations seem so crazily familiar. OMG. Yes, he also doesn't notice if I've become disconntected - I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. Love, to me, is caring about the welfare of something and wanting to put in the effort and time and attention for it to grow and survive. I do believe he is plagued internally by his demons and if I can't show compassion and let go of resentment, I would surely hate him for marrying me. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. His answer was absolutely not. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. His mother died in a plane crash, this would finish him off if I left, etc. Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54. he gets very angry. I was in bed all day too weak to get up and walk let alone do anything else. Nothing builds or sticks over the years. Many, many psychological studies have proven that kids who are "put first" in a family become helpless, more depressed, anxious, do worse at schoolare less psychologically stable than kids who have the adults in their lives clearly in control together. WebMy girlfriend thinks I don't care for her but I do she's been sick for the past two days and I been trying to be nice by doing mostly everything for her I have to walk her to the bathroom give her medicine wash dishes pick up her groceries try to cook even though I'm not that good at it I have to get the bathtub filled for her I try my best to He has No responsibility for any of his behavior or actions. And vice versa if she's the one down ill. Can't really prepare good food when you're nauseous and fked up all over. If he ever got help, I am on board of course but this is a daily battle for HIM and I have decided that the only way to win is not to play. "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! Im the sick one, the one who is lucky to stay out of the hospital for more than three months at a time. I thrive from who I am independently although I still try to be a good wife and hold down most of the responsibilities that keep our family looking good for the most part. There's lots of reasons he may have decided to not come over, and 99% of them aren't the selfish stuff you're thinking of. Getting mad or saying nasty things when someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders. Nothing sexual ever happened but after 2 years of him love bombing me, calling me hot, beautiful, his soul mate, his twin, etc, he would discard me when I got too needy and hoover me back in when he needed an emotional pick me up. There's a few things that are scaring him, and he is right to be concerned. I often hear that if a person wants to be with you, they will. His kids are always going to come before you. That's not even in my nature. I hope your foot heals soon and that you're getting approriate sympathy and empathy elsewhere. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:36. #1. 1) Shes never on your side. My wife wants to be left alone, and I mean ALONE. Hed get one color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else. For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51. 2015 was the year that changed me some more. Its good to have a healthy balance. It dramatically affected my relationship for the worse. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 09:54. Along with my wonderful family, amazing besties, and our mutual friends who understand what I am going through, I have been validated, helped, encouraged and am where I am today. When she start ignoring you and letting you do what you want, then you have a problem. I love(d) H, and love (past, present and future)our children, our grandchildren, art, my business, my home. (maybe?). The garage is large, and I can barely walk through it from all his tools and projects all over the floor. But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. The behavior, not the label, is what matters. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. Maybe I was expecting something like that. This is a personality disorder. Confirmed. It wont solvefor the dishonesty (and just found a new credit card). Thanks, man. Submitted by c ur self on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:17, ( A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. If you need help, I will cook dinner". Oops! But the AD/HD is so strong, it overrides that. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. I was so ill from stress and he never checked on me. Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured. And I take. I understand what you mean. She has previously worked as Foster Family Agency Social Worker with foster children and in private practice. I have made myself the central focus in our relationship. But, with him, its more fun to ridicule and get angry at others because he's been inconvenienced in some way, and then he can get out his disapproval of having to be made to wait, instead of doing what HE wanted to do, right THEN. Kids pick up on stuff they're not ****ed. Please share ~ the relief is amazing! In the main area of the house there should be 2 colors, and now there are at least 5. Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. Other times? I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." I had started a new job so I could not take him to get his surgery, but I did leave work early, come home and take care of him, make chicken soup, the whole deal. I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. I grew up in a house where you were basically quarantined when sick. I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. He played video games.A LOT, and watched a lot of movies, and cook his food in deep fryers which has made the house smell like an old dirty grease pit, with the cupboards, shelves, and countertops, floors, all caked with grease. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. I never get any sympathy from him, but my children hug me, draw me upside down rainbows because I am in pain and can't smile, and try to help me. When you marry, the two working, bill-paying adults in the house should set the important stuff togetherlike budget, schedule, vacations, house rules. Life goes on around us when we are sick. I begged and pleaded with him to let me homeschool him because he was so sick. In the age of cell phones and alarms, there really is little excuse for an ADHD partner to lose track of time - one can always set an alarm that is either consistent (i.e. He love(s) the one he is with..as in.."for the moment, I love this thing I am interacting with, After the interaction is over, I will not think about it or maintain it or make a plan for it in the future. I want to say Thank you for sharing your story. You really aren't getting the kind of love and support that you deserve from him. WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. It is not only me he has no sympathy for, it is his children as well. That is when he finally paid attention to me and accepted that I was sick. My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. Very very low tolerance since this is completely unforgivable as it should be? in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. Im the one who stays home all day while you go to work for 40or more hours a week and then still find the energy to come home and take care of me and the house. But it was terrible to watch my child suffer like that. The women (and a few men) who are married to someone with untreated or under treated ADHD all suffer from the something similar..A lack of love. Submitted by jennalemone on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 14:09. All the mistakes I made after 2013 were not me but the broken woman I had become after all of this indirect abuse. Alright. I don't think this is necessarily an ADHD thing. I was out of character. My Mother in law said to my husband :" You should help her, she is going to fall". The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. And that was just with a scratchy throat. That's great! Don't misunderstand me - I get it. He will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not even so much ask if I need anything at all. Okay, WE?? But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. (Sadly, he was not compliant enough with the whole thing and it didn't work). Yes, I chose someone who couldn't love,or who chose NOT to love. Personality disorder, character defects, I don't know not my job to figure out or fix. Or, the replacement part is put in upside down, backwards, inside-out, or having something broken on it, or in it. We had been friends for years and talked here and there. Emotionless. Sometimes that takes the form of cuddling or doing something together like a walk/talk. The world should recognize his presence and he should be treated with utmost respect while giving none in returnto ANYONE! He threatened to sue me and the doctor because the kid had to go temporarily on multiple antibiotics to help knock down the infections. And I'm also feeling better. Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me. Out of character. I even passed out in front of my kids on the floor, and they had to yell at him to help me. Any time I am not at 100% to run the household, restock the coffee, cook meals, put the kids to bed, do the laundry, etc. I agree 100%. He still ignored andhung by the pool by himself. What does it take to stop running into these types of people? This is the response of a person who lives in the present. I drink a gulp of beer and a stoke of cigar and really feel love..for that moment. He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. I take and I take, and then I take some more. If you are in the full No one has the right to USE someone to get love, and know you aren't going to give it in return, or pretend for a while, and then stop because you "got the girl", or "got your prize", that is wrong, and ADHD is no excuse for that. I hear you, I cant count the number of times my husband made it very clear that myillness was a hughinconvenience for him there was no thought to how it made me feel. Someone who at times would look at me and just smile, (as if we shared a special secret), with eyes that showed gentleness, patience and strength, but with a reverent humility. It was miserable. Don't get me wrong. I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. First, BE a person with whom he would be dying to connect. Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to is already like this, it will only get worse. I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. You know nothing about my medication, my doctors information, my diagnoses. An epiphany. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 16:40. If theres one thing you must understand, its this: You and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. The grass wasn't greener on the other side but my grass would probably never be any better so there needed to be changes on my side. Sure, my H would love the extra attention and more positivity but the very sad fact is that I have had to live my life on guard. Your partner sounds as if he's not good at transitions (i.e. (Although I didn't make him do the dishes). If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly. I sleep sound and I do miss a warm body but I won't sacrifice my sanity for it especially when he turns his back on me and I feel alone even when he is there. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 22:58. What should I do? Join hosts Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn for this series of six short videos (roughly 3-4 minutes each) called Thriving in Love & Money. Theyll offer helpful tips, informed by years of research and based on their new book, to help you and your spouse explore the underlying issues that lead to financial conflict and consider healthy ways to I truly don't think he SEES the damage that all of this caused me AND him, mainly because he still doesn't think his ADHD has that much affect on our daily lives. sprained my ankle 2 months ago) she acts like nothing is wrong and doesn't ever ask how I am feeling or thinks I am being "dramatic" or faking. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. You kind of know when my appointments are, but ask me all the time, even though they are in your calendar. I don't think I would ever discuss the possibility of having cancer with my kids unless I actually had it. I have a high pain threshold and never take any days off sick. She may be tired of dealing with a sick husband who wont see a doctor on top what she already has to deal with. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). However Ive come to the realization that hes not the same as me. I guess its just a character flaw of his! When he is having a great day, like this past Saturday, my efforts were worth it but I won't pretend that he is fixed. Isn't THAT ironic? Hinting at your desires will most likely push her further away. Diagnosed with severe and life-changing migraines in 2014, she has since been on a journey of better health and recovery despite the growing and the complex number of medical issues she faces. Many people with PDs also have ADHD, but it's not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread. If he is in a tank with filtration, you need to change about 20-30% of his water weekly. I had to pay out of pocket to see a naturopathic doctor trained by ILADS(it is the best training for Lyme disease and tick borne infections treatment.) Submitted by adhd32 on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 13:56. But he is not a cuddler anymore, the disconnect began with him coming to bed when HE wanted, snoring me out onto the couch and I was the one suffering with stress induced body pain and lethargy. Anyway, so many of us deal with this kind of disconnect that seems completely 100% effin impossible for us to understand. When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. I mis calculated the drop, my crutches went out from under me, and I fell, landing flat on my back on thecement patio, hard. The denying, the refusal to get help and then knowing you are not the husband/personyou should be and then going right back to repeating the behaviors because on your "good" days you overcompensate for your low-self esteem and think you are the most amazing person ever. Stay away from me!" But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. I did it again. Nothing. I'm taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, making meals. She will come in and ask me if I need/want anything and see how I am doing. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. If my husband had a stomach bug that lasted a few days and he didnt go to the doctor I would probably be like your wife too. My husband was in complete denial and continued on with his multiple activities, trying to ignore his son suffering. I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? I count my lucky stars his empathy score wasn't way off neurotypical, but even so, it is affected, and I do notice he's MUCH better about me being ill when he's just had what I've caught, because he doesn't have to imagine how I feel, he knows from personal experience. ADHD adults also can have trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research. He went and played soccer that night when I was feeling my worst. That takes some effort, but is doable by almost all. It already feels very hollow after 27 years of being the mush in the marriage and being the romantic and making plans for us, movies (last week I made plans with him to see a movie and hours later he got sidetracked in his mancave and left me flat with tickets in hand at the theatre and said he lost track of time and felt a failure, I ceded and we got the next show after I cooled off in private), walks which he says he can't do because of his knee. Just gotta get used to it! To us I should say. 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow Being a victim keeps him justified in his anger at the world, that life didn't treat him fair, and no one gave him what he DESERVED ,because he deserved so much more than he got. He came home from work at 9pm and I said I was throwing up and had terrible stomach cramps etc. Otherwise I think you need to stop acting like a child when sick. In the second, you instell a desire to avoid you, not connect. And.as I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well? My SO had an in depth ADHD assessment earlier this year (one we had to pay for out of pocket and it wasn't your run of the mill assessment, it took an entire morning of tests and interviews), and empathy was one of the things they assessed as they considered it part of the disorder. He made everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim. https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd, Submitted by c ur self on Thu, 11/26/2020 - 10:32, There are a tremendous amount of side effects when it comes to ADHD..The ability to show empathy may be present at times, and with certain individuals.Spousal empathy can be effected by numerous things.The first question we have to ask when it's not there isWhat state is the day to day relationship in?If the answer is Not great!Then that is one place you have to go with human beings, ADHD or not.But, hyper focus is a major player.Selfishness and self absorbed minds are major players.Distraction as well as addiction will also play a role if present.Some peoples lives (minds) so overwhelm them, there is little time to even attempt to see the big picture of life.(If the capability is even there). And, to feel loved in return, you need to be sexual with each other. I think the non spouse has to be less of a giver and move to the attitude of-I'm in this life for myself just like you demonstratedaily that are in it for yourself. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage. I wish you the best. Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. Reach out in an inviting way. So I don't ask for anything beyond desperate needs. I signed up for a local meal prep service, where they prepped a few dinners. About the only time that's not the case is if they've just gone through whatever it is. Sign #8: He is fine with you hanging around other men. Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. A few weeks ago, he reiterated (I think he's said this once before) why nothing worked: while he professed to wanting a relationship with me, he actually is unable to form personal connections. If your S.O. I'll talk to my wife when she gets home. I was still in therapy and my therapist, who is a mutual friend and took me on pro-bono, helped me so much to rebuild my esteem, stop being co-dependent. And of course, my fave from Walter Mitty movie "Beautiful things don't ask for attention. Germaphobe type thing? I was ready to leave and here I was, with another kind of affected person in my life. I agree his kids should come first. I am, however, hesitant, super hesitant, to engage when 90 percent of what comes out of his mouth is a lie. (sorry, another vent) .. So,when it comes to love, what to do, and where to go from here. I am a romantic to this day. I am not my illness; I am a warrior. WebIs it normal for a husband to not take care of his wife when she falls sick? Her father was an alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick. Unfortunately, many divorced dads want to be their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father. I told her that as long as I took it slow, I would be OK. My husband didn't offer to help, he just stood there, and I could hear the wheels turning in his head. We already talked last night and we good now. The former provides you both with a structure that can work (does for many couples.) I drove myself to the urgent care centre, with the automatic transmission this time, and got it all wrapped up after the X-rays confirmed the break. Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. That's absurd. It tends to be E>S in females, and S>E in males, and S>E in ADHD regardless of gender. When my wife is sick, I tend to wait on her. I do believe the process may work if it s just adhd or adhd lite and there aren't significant co morbidities or emotional, physical or substance abuse and life is stable otherwise, ie no major financial complications. A well spouses support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. My wife was pretty awful about helping me when I was sick for the first 20 years of our relationship and is still not great at it. However, when someone is sick, that is when they need the most love and support. He made me pay that year for leaving. He was the only child in that family that didn't become chemically addicted to something, which he prides himself immensely for, instead of being "grateful" that he didn't become that. If she's sick, and the kids need something, she's on her own. Hewas an abusive, narcissistic Asshole. She was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008. People are either takers or givers. Being in a constantly defensive state (as are the chronic blamers of the world) means ADHD adults can become really good at detachingand awful at attaching. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. Several years ago they broke their foot (minor avulsion fracture) by twisting their ankle, requiring several weeks with a boot and wrap to recover. There is a lot going on in that active brain and it takes a lot of inward attention to keep going. So I've (40m) been married ten years now and I love my wife (40f), but she has the most annoying behavior pattern whenever I am sick. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. I think that it's true. Not flu/COVID/serious illness. Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:07. My husband responded to me that if I went on medical leave I would have to stop seeing my doctor because he wouldn't pay for it anymore. The only family Im in contact with is my 91-year-old mother who lives an hour away. This becomes a real problem for me in one area especially. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. And your wife mightve been Before this point I even got out books on herbal medicine to treat dangerous infections, spent $70 plus buying all the herbs and tinctures and mixed them up for him to take. My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. WebSign #7: He doesnt ask you any questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you are. Terms. I wasn't even allowed to adjust my own pillows. Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. I shouldn't have to and I take very good care of myself after 27 years and a complete role reversal. 2. He doesn't seem to catch up or even see it. I hope you left him. All big red flags. You are not important. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sun, 04/16/2017 - 10:08. WebMaybe he's the kind of person who doesn't want to be bothered when he's sick. You never falter. I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. All I can say is wow. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. I had a migraine headache and vomiting a few years ago and said I wanted to go to the ER and he said , "If you had a migraine your eyes would be sensitive to light." But in the end, that doesn't matter either. (And he sees this as a good thing)half done, with walls half painted. They ruin too many peoples lives. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. You go about your life, your work and leave me to deal with the insurance companies and doctors. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. She says take medicine or go to doctor. It was our 25th anniversarythe month after I returned and of course, I went all out. WHAT? NOTHING HELPED. Your husband is a narcissist, sorry to say. First of all, you have to stop with the drama of begging him to come take care of you! Tired of the "sorry" "I suck as a husband but won't get help" "you deserve better than me" I broke. Now he is fine with it, he got used to it and I feel its because I did not cave in to the codependency. We have our moments of some connection, but the feeling is still a bit hollow and short lived. He is loved by many, not evil. I have been happily married for 22 yrs. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. My husband is terrible when it comes to this. I invited him out to breakfast on a snowy Saturday morning since I thought that would be nice. Effective at making you get better because it was boring as shit. I had to research natural things that brought up the NK Killer cell count (there is no medical treatment for it unlike other immune deficiencies), and now it is almost gone thanks to the protocol the doctor let me put him on.
